parent-teen.com
an
online magazine for families with teens
ARTICLES,
ARCHIVES, &
RESOURCES
Ages
& Stages
Alcohol/Drugs
Arts &
Media
College
Planning
Coping
Driving
Fun
Issues
News
Parent
Pages
Puberty
School
Sex &
Dating
Sports
Volunteering
Working
Your Body
COLUMNS
College
Prep
Dear Mike
Freshman
Journal
From the
Backpack
FEEDBACK
What our readers
say
FORUMS
Discussion boards for parents & teens,
plus professional college planning advice. COMING SOON.
CONTRIBUTE
Editorial guidelines
SHOP
Coming soon.
Recommended
books for parents and teens from amazon.com. Your purchases will
help support this site.
Parent-Teen is a publication of:
Parents'
Press
1454 Sixth St.
Berkeley, CA 94710
Phone:
(510) 524-1602
Fax:
(510) 524-0912
e-mail:
ParentsPrs@aol.com
Site contents © copyright 1997-2004 by Parents' Press
You are welcome to make a single (1) copy of any article for your personal, non-commercial use as long as all rights & copyright information remains intact. Please contact us if you are interested in reprinting any material from this site.
Bullets
courtesy of
The Non-Jewish Guide to Bar and Bat Mitzvahs
BY LINDA FOUST
© COPYRIGHT 2004 BY PARENTS' PRESS
When seventh grade rolls around and kids start turning 13, your child is likely to receive invitations to bar or bat mitzvahs. If you're not Jewish and don't have close Jewish friends, you may not have a clue about what to do.
First, relax. No one expects nonJews to know the ins and outs of the occasion. The event represents a special birthday, and the Bar/Bat Mitzvah child simply wants his friends to join in celebrating "coming of age" in the Jewish faith.
You may get a save-the-date announcement far in advance of the ceremony, and a formal invitation later. Either you and your child, or your child alone, will be invited, depending on your relationship to the family. Return the requested RSVP as soon as possible so the hosts know how many to expect for the ceremony and related festivities.
Here are some common questions:
What is the meaning of Bar and Bat Mitzvah?
A Bar or Bat Mitzvah is technically a "who," not a "what." "Mitzvah" literally means "commandment" in Hebrew, and "bar/bat mitzvah" means son or daughter of the 613 "mitzvot," or commandments, of Judaism.
The child assumes adult responsibilities and practices and gains corresponding rights in the faith. A Jewish boy thus becomes a man in Judaism at age 13. Girls today often celebrate their coming of age at 13 as well, but traditionally a girl became Bat Mitzvah at 12, as girls were thought to mature earlier.
The coming of age actually happens automatically on the child's birthday. Elaborate festivities to mark the occasion are a relatively recent development that serves as a good excuse for friends and extended family to gather. Ceremonies for girls are an even more recent innovation than those for boys.
Bar/Bat Mitzvahs are traditionally held on the first Saturday following the child's thirteenth birthday, but they can take place at any time after that. The Bar/Bat Mitzvah has studied the Torah, the Hebrew language, spirituality, prayer, Jewish identity, liturgy, beliefs, and holidays for at least a year (and often much longer) before the ceremony.
What is proper dress for attending a Bar or Bat Mitzvah?
Since a Bar/Bat Mitzvah is a religious ceremony, nice clothing should be worn a jacket for boys and a modest dress for girls. Males may be offered a yarmulke, or skullcap, to wear at the ceremony. They may choose to wear it or not, but it is acceptable for non-Jews to don it as a sign of respect if they want to. Married Jewish men may wear prayer shawls, but non-Jews do not. Traditionally, married Orthodox Jewish women wear a hat or cover their heads during services, but that isn't usually the case in other branches of Judaism.
For the festivities later, wear clothes appropriate for a party at the specified time and location.
How do you congratulate the Bar/Bat Mitzvah?
You can say "mazel tov" or "congratulations."
Should you give a gift? What should it be?
Think of a Bar/Bat Mitzvah as a special birthday celebration; a gift is appropriate. Choose anything you might give a birthday boy or girl at age 13: gift certificates, CDs, books, software, electronics.
In addition, money is a traditional and completely acceptable gift. If you want, give in multiples of 18. In traditional Hebrew numerology, the number values of the word "Chai," or life, add up to 18, and multiples of that number are thought to be auspicious. Since the Bar/Bat Mitzvah traditionally gives a portion of his/her presents to charity, a gift of money makes that obligation simpler.
If both you and your child attend the Bar/Bat Mitzvah, consider giving a more significant present than if just your child was invited.
One interesting gift idea is to plant a tree in Israel. This costs $18 with the Jewish National Fund Trees, which will send a certificate to the bar/mat mitzvah showing that the tree was planted. Visit the website www.jnf.org for details.
You can find traditional Bar/Bat Mitzvah gifts at Judaica stores or online (search Google for "bar mitzvah"), but unless you're Jewish and know what the items are, you may not feel comfortable giving them.
Bar/Bat Mitzvah greeting cards are widely available to accompany your present.
When do you give the gift?
As with wedding gifts, it's best to bring the present to the party later, not to the ceremony itself.
What happens at the party?
A party is often held the afternoon or evening of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah at a site away from the synagogue. There may be games and party favors for the kids and dancing for everyone. The Bar/Bat Mitzvah may be held aloft in a chair as the crowd dances hand in hand. All ritual and solemnity is finished. Enjoy yourself!
Linda Foust lives in Oakland and is a former attorney turned artist and writer. She is the author of three books, including The Single Parent's Almanac (Prima Publishing) and has written fiction and nonfiction on a variety of subjects for Parents' Press and other publications.
What Happens at the Ceremony?
The precise nature of the ceremony depends on what "flavor" of Judaism is involved, together with local synagogue practice.
Within the Jewish faith there are many divisions, including Orthodox, Conservative, Reform, Reconstructionist, and Renewal. Following is a general guide to elements of the ceremony you may encounter:
Most Bar/Bat Mitzvahs choose to have an individual rite, but sometimes two may occur together.
The ceremony will be held on a Saturday morning as a part of the normal "Shabbat," or Jewish Sabbath, services. In some traditions, males and females will be segregated for seating.
You may find candy or flowers on the seats when you arrive. These are for you to toss at the Bar/Bat Mitzvah later in the service as symbolic blessings when he or she leads a procession with the Torah.
This is the first day the Bar/Bat Mitzvah will be allowed to wear a "tallit," or a prayer shawl with fringes at the four corners. The tallit is a symbol of taking on the 613 mitzvot, and wrapping oneself in the tallit is said to allow you to feel enclosed or sheltered by God. Though traditionally only for males, both girls and boys wear the tallit in contemporary communities.
A rabbi will lead the ceremony and offer a special blessing to the child. A cantor, or religious singer, will usually sing, and the Bar/Bat Mitzvah's teacher may play a part.
There will probably be a printed guide for the congregation to follow along in the service, chanting and singing in English or transliterated Hebrew. Jews are expected to join in the prayers if they can; non-Jews need not, but they are welcome to. Follow the lead of others when it comes to sitting or standing. In fact, whenever in doubt during the ceremony, watch to see what others do.
At some point during the service, the Torah the ancient Hebrew scroll containing the five books of Moses will be taken from its resting place in the "ark," or box. ("Torah" literally means "teaching" in Hebrew and can refer either to the scroll itself or to all Judaic teachings.) To symbolize the passing of Judaism's wisdom and traditions from generation to generation, the Torah may be handed to the child by older family members.
The Bar/Bat Mitzvah will then carry the Torah in a processional around the synagogue, which is when the candy or flowers may be thrown as a symbolic shower of blessings. You may see congregants reaching out to touch the Torah with a prayer shawl as it passes. After the procession, the Torah will be rolled open on a table in front of the congregation.
All over the world, Jewish congregations read the same Torah portion for that day, uniting them all in ritual and spirit. In its most basic form, the Bar/Bat Mitzvah is "called to the Torah" to recite an "aliyah," or blessing, over the weekly reading from the Torah. In modern ceremonies, the Bar/Bat Mitzvah also reads or chants the Torah portion itself. Blessings are chanted before and after the reading.
After the Torah reading, the Bar/Bat Mitzvah leads prayers and songs and presents a speech with three parts: a summary of the Torah portion he or she read; a "derashah," or interpretive teaching, based on the Torah portion; and a discussion of the impact of God, Torah, and Judaism on his or her life
A "Kiddush," or ceremonial blessing over kosher wine and challah (a braided egg bread) follows the ceremony.
Inform your child that grape juice may be available in place of wine. If it is not, and if you don't wish your child to partake of wine, he may simply eat a bit of the bread. Wait until the rabbi has recited a short blessing before eating or drinking.
-Linda Foust
Home | About Us | Ages & Stages | Alcohol/Drugs | Arts & Media | College Planning | College Prep column | Coping | Dear Mike | Driving | Feedback | Freshman Journal | From the Backpack | Fun | Issues | News | Parent Pages | Puberty | School |Sex & Dating | Sports | Volunteering | Working | Your Body | Advertise | Contribute | E-mail Us