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Dear Mike,
I Don't Like My Daughter's
Friends
BY MICHAEL RIERA, Ph.D.
Copyright 1999 by Parents' Press
Q. My ninth grade daughter has begun hanging out with a friend (I'll call her Jane) who is "fast" - at least she looks and acts that way. Jane hangs out with a group of kids, mostly boys, who are two or three years older, smoking cigarettes.
While my daughter respects the curfew we've imposed on her, any time I broach the topic of Jane she becomes extremely angry and defensive - but it's hard for me to stand by and say nothing. What do you think?
A. this definitely falls into the "my daughter is a good kid but I'm worried about the friends she is choosing and the negative influence that are having on her" category of concerns, a genre that just about every parent encounters at some point.
Let's start with your daughter's anger and defensiveness when you broach the topic. Begin by understanding that all teenagers know what their parents think of every one of their friends, without their parents having to say a word. We are all more transparent to our teenagers than we like to think.
In this case, your daughter already knows exactly how you feel about Jane, so when you bring up the subject, she feels like you're lecturing her and questioning her judgment all at the same time.
She may also feel that you are pressuring her to acquiesce to your "better judgment," something no teenager can do gracefully, as it borders on humiliation.
Why is accepting your judgment so hard? The major psychological task of the teenage years is the development of a stable identity, which is hardly straightforward. During these years kids work hard to actively define themselves vis a vis the important people in their lives, their dreams, and their goals.
This is a time of experimentation with roles and identities. They literally try on different looks, attitudes, personalities, and personal attributes as a way of learning and discovering who they are.
Day-to-day, this means lots of trial and error, and at home, lots of inconsistency. Teens try on an attitude or look for a while, see what fits best, and then - eventually - discard the rest.
But throughout, they have to feel in charge of this process. That is, they choose what to keep and what to discard. If you are too directly adamant about what to discard, your daughter will defend to the nth degree her right to keep it.
Unfortunately, this means she might defend and keep something she doesn't believe in because you are against it, and for a teenager, her right to choose is the most important thing.
(Read that last sentence again, because it's everything in a nutshell.)
