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Dear Mike, I Don't Like My Daughter's Friends PAGE 2 BY MICHAEL RIERA, Ph.D. Copyright 1999 by Parents' Press SHIFTS IN FRIENDSHIP This naturally leads to another question: Why do seemingly "good kids" take to hanging out with the fast crowd? These kinds of shifts in friendships usually happen during times of transition. In this case, the transition is one every teenager experiences: the shift from middle school to high school. During times like this, kids desperately look for acceptance from peers, and they will exaggerate themselves in order to achieve this - act more rebellious than they really are, more social than they really are, more sophisticated than they really are. This is natural. However, it gets trickier. People develop their values and beliefs through a three-step process: imitation, identification, and, finally, internalization. With imitation it's just that: copying someone else to see what it feels like. Identification means you respect or admire than person and want to be like them in the particular area you choose to identify with. Finally, in internalization, you take the belief or value and make it your own. Part of the challenge of every parent faced with a difficulty like yours is to recognize what stage your teenager is in. This will emerge with time, as we will see. How to broach the subject: The question here is how to set limits and still let your daughter retain her sense of autonomy around friend selection. The best way to do this is to make the conversation focus on your daughter, not her friends. (You can do this through conversation or through a note.) Here's a sample statement from a parent: "X, as we have said before, your choice of friends is up to you as long as you take care of yourself and your responsibilities _ work hard in school, act responsibly and respectfully toward the family, live up to your agreements - all of which you have been doing. "At the same time, while you know that I don't necessarily like Jane, that's your business, unless you start to slip up in these other areas. "That is, if you grades start to drop or you begin to lie or act disrespectful, then we'll take this as an invitation to get involved in your life. And this means with your friends. "It'll be ugly for sure, but we'll stand firm. But be clear that it's really up to you. Keep taking care of yourself and your responsibilities, and we are more than happy to stay out of your choice of friends. "It's up to you." next > what happens next?