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Dear Mike, I Don't Like My Daughter's Friends PAGE 3 BY MICHAEL RIERA, Ph.D. Copyright 1999 by Parents' Press WHAT HAPPENS NEXT Believe me, your daughter will roll her eyes more than once during this conversation, but that's fine. After this kind of talk things tend to go in one of two directions: 1. Your daughter will keep up her end of the bargain and keep Jane as a friend, although Jane's importance to and influence on your daughter will fade noticeably over the next couple of months. This means she was either imitating Jane or just beginning to identify with her. Most importantly, she has made her own decision around Jane. 2. Your daughter won't keep up her end of the bargain and things will begin to go downhill, at which point you will become involved. Now one of two things will happen: your daughter will be outwardly angry (though inwardly relieved) when you get involved, and the situation will dissipate fairly fast; or things will get ugly and escalate for a while, and, at some point, likely involve some sort of family counseling. This means your daughter was at least identified with Jane and probably beginning to internalize some of Jane's qualities. In a sense your conversation and her response act as an assessment for what is happening with your daughter. As in just about everything with adolescents, their response is what determines your next level of action or non-action. Finally, and even though it's probably not the case here, I would be remiss not to make the general statement: Be careful not to judge a book by its cover. Sometimes the most outrageous looking kids are the most responsible and mature teens you will ever get to know. And the opposite is true, too. Learn to trust yourself through open and careful watching and listening. Comments about this article? Send us an e-mail and we'll add your remarks to the feedback page.