parent-teen.com
an
online magazine for families with teens
ARTICLES,
ARCHIVES, &
RESOURCES
Ages
& Stages
Alcohol/Drugs
Arts
& Media
College
Planning
Coping
Driving
Fun
Issues
News
Parent
Pages
Puberty
School
Sex
& Dating
Sports
Volunteering
Working
Your
Body
COLUMNS
College
Prep
Dear
Mike
Freshman
Journal
From
the Backpack
FEEDBACK
What our readers
say
FORUMS
Discussion boards for parents & teens,
plus professional college planning advice. COMING SOON.
CONTRIBUTE
Editorial guidelines
SHOP
Coming soon.
Recommended
books for parents and teens from amazon.com. Your purchases will
help support this site.
Parent-Teen is a publication of:
Parents'
Press
1454 Sixth St.
Berkeley, CA 94710
Phone:
(510) 524-1602
Fax:
(510) 524-0912
e-mail:
ParentsPrs@aol.com
Site contents © copyright 1997-2000 by Parents' Press
You are welcome to make a single (1) copy of any article for your personal, non-commercial use as long as all rights & copyright information remains intact. Please contact us if you are interested in reprinting any material from this site.
Dear
Mike
When your teen fires you, don't worry! You're being offered a new job
© Copyright 1997
by Parents' Press
Photo courtesy of Dr. Mike Riera
By Mike Riera, Ph.D.
Adolescence sneaks up on most parents.
In fact, many parents can describe the exact moment that adolescence
hit:
the baseball
cap turned backward on a family vacation;
the ear that
was pierced without a trace of parental input;
the new wardrobe
that is exclusively black;
or the agonizing
three minutes that elapse between the time a teen comes home
after school and the time he shuts himself in his room.
Within a 24-hour period children transform from respectful, playful daughters or sons into stereotypical teenagers - or so it seems.
Changes
The reality is that adolescence does not happen overnight, even though it may feel that way. It's more that it takes a while before we identify the new behaviours that have been accruing under one noses and "suddenly" recognize the teenager in our midst.
Whether the realization is gradual or sudden, the meaning is the same: your relationship with your child has changed, and without any consultation on your part.
Rather than protest and argue your position, you now have to do your best to catch up - something that, try as you might, you won't do for another three to five years.
The manager years
Up until adolescence, parents - metaphorically - manage their kids' lives. This works well for both you and your children. Kids look to you for guidance and are appreciative when you offer it.
They also thing the world of you, and share this on a regular basis: "Mommy, I love you so much! Daddy, you're the best daddy in the world! Mom, you're the smartest person in the world!"
This feels great, which is, of course, part of the difficulty in giving up this managerial role as kids enter the teenage years.
Getting fired
Sometime during middle school or early school, this managerial role shifts quite unexpectedly. In essence, your kids fire you as managers of their lives.
This hurts, but believe it or not, it is also healthy and necessary. It means you have done a good job of parenting throughout infancy and childhood. Your kids are ready to stand on their own two feet - well, sort of.
And this is the dilemma: they want independence but aren't yet completely responsible for all that it entails.
On one hand, if you insist on remaining their manager, you are setting yourself up for a power struggle of huge proportions. In this case, everything from taking out the trash to cleaning their rooms to sneaking out at night becomes a power struggle.
On the other hand, completely relinquishing the managerial role doesn't work either - it feels like abandonment to your teenager. No teenager is ready for complete autonomy.
The middle road
Fortunately there is a middle ground: give up the role of manager and become a consultant. Focus less on directing and more on consulting in your relationship with your teenager.
This means recognizing that all adolescents have "decision-making muscles" that need regular exercise. Too little exercise (manager role), and their muscles don't grow. Too much exercise (abandonment), and they hurt themselves. This is a tough balance to strike.
In the consultation role you think more about influence than control. The reality, scary as it seems, is that parents do not have absolute control over their teenagers. But all parents have significant influence - you just have to recognize and utilize it. To do this, you have to get good at reading between the lines.
The consultant role is not easy or natural. It requires attentiveness, trust, and, most of all, understanding.
Teengers do not yet comprehend, in any consistent manner, the choices they make, so there is no way they can regularly explain their actions to you. This means you have to work at understanding them withouth much direct assistance.
Fortunately, just working toward understanding rather than control makes you an ally, which is exactly what every teenager wants from parents . They don't want you running their lives or abandoning them - they want you as an ally who is there when they need you.
They still need parents
Part of the attentiveness parents need is recognizing the moments when teenagers need you to play the strong parent role - when they need you more as a parent than as a friend.
You must make absolutely clear your views and expectations on issues of health and safety. This is the framework all adolescents need as they learn to exercise their "decision-making muscles."
Michael Riera, Ph.D., is the director of counseling at a private high school in the San Francisco Bay Area and a frequent speaker to groups of parents, students, and educators.
He appears daily as as the host of the "Life in Progress" segment of Trackers, a show for teens on the Oxygen cable TV network.
He is the author of Uncommon Sense for Parents with Teenagers ($14) and Surviving High School (for teens - $10.95). You can order both books by phone from Celestial Arts Publishing, 1-800-841-2665. Visa, M/C accepted.
Or order online at Mike's own home page
More "Dear Mike" columns
Bullets courtesy of
Home | About Us | Ages & Stages | Alcohol/Drugs | Arts & Media | College Planning | College Prep column | Coping | Dear Mike | Driving | Feedback | Freshman Journal | From the Backpack | Fun | Issues | News | Parent Pages | Puberty | School |Sex & Dating | Sports | Volunteering | Working | Your Body | Advertise | Contribute | E-mail Us