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Bullets courtesy of
Inside Toughlove
The "get tough with tough teens" approach from the '80s is surprisingly alive and well
BY LIZ HARRIS
© 1997 by Parents' Press. This article first appeared in Parent.TEEN in the August/September 1997 issue.
SKJOLD
PHOTOGRAPHY
All rights reserved
What ever happened to Toughlove?
You might vaguely recall it as a "get tough" approach for parents of unruly teenagers. Founded in the early 1980s by Phyllis and David York of Pennsylvania, Toughlove rapidly gained momentum as it was embraced by battle-weary parents nationwide.
Tired of seeking causes for problem behaviours and bending over backwards to give their kids yet another chance, these parents desperately needed a new tack.
So had the Yorks, both licensed family therapists, whose daughters were flirting with serious trouble - running away, getting drunk, going to jail.
"We are mired in finding reasons for unacceptable behaviour instead of setting limits on what is acceptable and demanding that unacceptable behavior stop," the Yorks explained in the book Toughlove, published in 1982.
Toughlove was radical for its time, especially considering it surfaced on the heels of the freewheeling, free-love 1970s. Why, Toughlove even condoned kicking your kids out of the house or turning your kids in to the police!
Toughlove Today
As Director of Pupil Services for the Fremont (California) Unified School District, Bill Walker deals routinely with kids who are not making the grade. When parents seek his help, Walker suggest number of community resources. One of them is Toughlove.
Toughlove meetings are self-help groups, run by parents, for parents. Meetings are tightly structured, with are set times for small and large group discussions, and for guest speakers.
Toughlove asserts the parents and children are not equal; that parents can wield power, even have double standards, all for the sake of their children's well-being.
"I believe it's a good support group," says Walker.
One Mom's Story
Maryann Astanboos, whose 17-year-old daughter has been "acting up" for years, turned to Toughlove in desperation a year and a half ago. "It's the only support system I have," she says.
Toughlove tells parents to be pro-active - to set goals for the long run ("take a stand") and small ways of getting there ("set a limit") week by week.
It's like taking baby steps, Astanboos acknowledges. With encouragement from her support group, she tries new tactics - from "taking a walk when I get to a boiling point with my daughter," to deciding "I will call police every time she comes home high."
Her husband is not active in Toughlove, and she concedes that "if both parents are involved, you get better results."
Nearly all of the 10 or so parents in Astanboos' Fremont group are grasping for hope.
"Most of us are at the end of our rope. Our kids are intolerable to live with. We've had it."
Toughlove helps Astanboos cope. "I really appreciate that it makes my life much easier. I can't wait to get to meetings to talk, to cry, to unwind."
She cannot confirm that Toughlove is having a positive effect on her daughter, but "it makes me a little more aware of my attitude towards my children and how they are reacting to me, I think it makes me better because I don't feel so helpless."
"Toughlove for kids"
While parents attend Toughlove meetings Thursday nights at Irvington High, their kids can attend peer-group sessions at the same location.
Working on communications skills, such as "how do I work with Mom and Dad without getting angry," performing community service, and receiving three credits per quarter, students have a lot to gain from the class, called "I Care."
The teacher is Fred Dillemuth, an assistant principal at Irvington High.
Dillemuth met the Yorks in 1981, when he was a truant officer with the Fremont School District, at a Toughlove workshop in Anaheim. After the formal session, they exchanged ideas and eventually Dillemuth was asked to help develop a Toughlove-for-kids program.
That was the genesis of I Care, which is offered through the Fremont district.
Nearly 2,000 students have gone through I Care. Statistics show a 67 percent success rate, according to Dillemuth, based on "measurable characteristics" such as school attendance, academic achievement ,and attitude.
He notes that a 1988 Stanford University study called I Care a "top counseling program in Northern California."
"One of the bad raps that get hung on Toughlove is that the parents throw the kids out, but that's never done without the kids having a place to go, or someone to stay with.
"Toughlove says to parents, 'you're not the only one with out-of-control kids.' It also lets them know that there are resources in the community.
"My heart goes out to these people ... I never did subscribe to the notion that when you follow a rotten kid, you have a rotten parent."
Nor does he dismiss out-of-bounds kids as incorrigible. Dillemuth keeps tabs on I Care students and is collecting stories that eventually he hopes to publish. "When we look longitudinally at these kids, they end up being very successful."
A Law Enforcement View
"We do refer parents to Toughlove." says Suzanne Buck, an investigator with the Fremont Police Department's missing persons unit.
"I always advise them to look at Toughlove as a support group. I also advise them that Toughlove is not run by trained professionals, and to 'listen to their gut feelings.'
Buck does not steer everyone in Toughlove's direction. It's for parents experiencing habitual, serious problem with their kids, she says. Parents who have lost control. For families where "the child in effect is the parent."
Toughlove is most effective when parents and kids attend peer group meetings, Buck believes, and when it is used in combination with other resources, such as law enforcement, schools and counselors.
Become "a very active participant in your child's life," she tells parents.
"By doing all of these things the child becomes the child again, and the parent becomes the parent. Until that happens, there is no real hope of resolving the problems."
Does One Size Fit All?
One of the most controversial aspects of Toughlove is its hard-line attitude. Through peer support, Toughlove pushes parents to set limits on what they will tolerate from their children, state consequences, and always follow through.
The 1985 film "Toughlove" (based on the Yorks' story), illustrated the point dramatically, and drew some bad publicity.
Aware of criticism thrown its way, Toughlove literature states flat out that it "does not advocate or support kicking kids out: We give kids options that protect their safety and our responsibility. The reality is that they may not choose our options."
Scott Brandt, a San Francisco psychologist who specializes in working with adolescents and their parents, agrees that "for a certain segment" of the population, Toughlove is great.
"Where the parent is a bit passive or unable to set tough limits for the child, they're really supported in the group process, to be able to get tougher ... sometimes be a bit harsh. And sometimes the kids need that - it destabilizes them and they really have to think about what they're doing."
He cautions, however, that Toughlove could be "devastating" to some children.
Before turning to Toughlove, says Brandt, get an outside opinion. See a professional - a psychiatrist, psychologist, or licensed family counselor - "to talk about what the problems are and have that person make an assessment to see if something like Toughlove might be indicated."
Information
Toughlove International, headquarters in Doylestown, PA.
Over 200 active chpaters in the U.S., plus New Zealand, Australia, Canada, Ireland, South Africa, South America, and England.
A nonprofit, Toughlove asks member families to contribute a few dollars a week for meetings.
Toughloe also holds workshops and publishes informational materials.
Toll-free information:
(800) 333-1069
toughlove.org
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